Thursday, June 9, 2011

THE RESIGNATION SPEECH

Thank you members of the press. I will be making a brief statement and at the conclusion of my statement I will not be taking any questions.

The past two weeks have been a very trying time for me and my family. My behavior has wrought an immeasurable degree of shame upon myself and the persons I care about and love the most. As some of my fellow Democratic elected officials in our nation's capitol have begun to call for my resignation, what has become equally painful has been watching my party, which has historically been totally devoid of shame, suddenly consider the importance of a man's character.

I belong to a party that turned a blind eye, and winked the other, when one of our members drove an innocent woman into a river and left her to die. Two members of our party sandwiched a restaurant waitress between them, and in their inebriated state, sexually assaulted her and were able to return to the Congress with pats on the back and an eventual run for the presidency. One of our members housed a pimp who ran a burgeoning house of prostitution right in the members home and was merely required to evict said pimp. Resignations were not demanded from any of these Democrats.

We have even had a major party member being sexually serviced by a female federal employee, during working hours, as the public paid for her time and his secretary's time who insured the occurrence of those rendezvous. That Democrat and his taxpayer paid concubine also lied and conspired to fix the outcome of a federal civil case. Other members of my party have grossly exceeded the alcoholic content level legally required to drive a motor vehicle and received a taxpayer paid ride home instead of a ride to jail.

My fellow Americans, as I make no excuses for the actions that has suddenly given Washington Democrats a moral conscience in calling for my resignation, it is incumbent upon you to demand that same and equal standard whenever their sleazy, inappropriate, felonious and other criminal behavior becomes apparent.

I will spend the next few weeks cleaning out my offices, writing letters of recommendations for my staff and then formally tender my resignation as part of the New York Delegation of the United States House of Representatives effective July 4, 2011. It is now clear to me that I can no longer be an effective spokesman and legislator in trying to serve my constituents and my country alongside the most magnificent lot of sanctimonious hypocrites ever to walk the halls of Congress and call themselves Democrats. And as for the swirling rumors that I have been approached by CNN to co-host a television show called WEINER-SPITZER - no comment.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Even though this is tongue-in-cheek...I am on the same page. I don't think he should resign and believe my party should get a spine.

9 Percenter said...

Sorry Anonymous. I DO think he should resign out of his own sense of decency. I just take offense to the audacity of his party demanding that he do so.